I Have ISSUES!

Is it my imagination, or is the word “issue” just about the most over-used and hackneyed word in business English today?

If I have to hear one more person say something like “There’s an issue with the data” or “He has an issue with opening the Online Monthly Report”, when they simply mean that there’s a PROBLEM, I swear I’ll be fired for “punching-a-fellow-worker-in-the-face” issues.

Apropos of this and nothing, a colleague told me today that one of his neighbours is on disability and is unemployable because of ”anger management problems” (he actually said “issues”, but don’t get me started on that again!).

I’m going to see if I can get disability and leave the world of work because of, I dunno, sarcasm management problems. I’m practicing already:

Boss: There’s another release of the KlueLess Decision Support System to install.
Me: (rubbing hands in apparent glee) Ooh, goody, another quality, trouble-free delivery from the Developers that will run first time, no problem, and not totally wipe out our web content, bring it on!

Boss: Oh, there’s also the refresh of the test environment from live…
Me: Yeah, I’ll just take off my shoes and do that while I’m doing the other install, my feet had nothing better to do anyway.

Boss: They’ve asked us to babysit the overnight job tonight as the Minister for Dumpy-Fingered Children* is visiting client site tomorrow and they want all the numbers to be there for him…
Me: Sure, no problem, I’m giving up sleep for Lent, anyway.

Boss: When can you start on the database tuning for the KlueLess overnight jobs? They’re running really slowly.
Me: How about never? Is “never” good for you?

Boss: One of the Business Analysts wants to talk to you about running some SQL queries for him. Can I tell him to come over and meet with you about it?
Me: I dunno. Is he wearing a cricket box?**

I'll let you know if my cunning plan succeeds.

Notes
*And that’s another thing. In England, there is a government agency that gives out laptops and paid-for internet access to supposedly deprived families with school-age kids to help them get educated (whilst at the same time shutting down all the libraries). Now, try to think of the smallest time unit imaginable – a millisecond? A nanosecond? Getting closer.  A femtosecond, maybe. Got it yet? Well cut that unit in half and that’s about how long it was before the first of these free laptops appeared on eBay and, get this, the cheeky, shameless, sponging monkeys even posted a link to the agency’s own website so that potential bidders could see what they were going to get. That’s my tax money, you thieving gits!

** Dunno what these are called in other parts of the world –it’s a kind of rigid shield to protect a male sportsman’s gentleman vegetables. Now being worn increasingly frequently in office situations involving overworked, under-appreciated techies.