Monday, 19 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Seven

Date: 19th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault

Mr Cochrane!

The 26th December most certainly is NOT suitable! 

By my calculations, this diabolical contraption of yours will have run all the way through the entire nightmare of the Twelve Days of Christmas by then!  My health (I have developed a nasty itchy rash and a hacking cough from excessive contact with bird feathers and guano) and my finances (I am now having to dig into my children’s college funds to pay for repairs because the insurance company is now not even returning my calls) will be ruined.

I NEED it to be shut off NOW!

Today, the seven swans arrived and, since the song specifically states that they should be ‘a-swimming’, so did several thousand gallons of freezing cold water!  So now I’ve had to hire yet another grinning buffoon of a contractor to pump out the water, which has ruined everything on the ground floor and flooded the basement into the bargain.  This, of course, is in addition to the usual collection of feathered vermin and the inevitable pear tree.

The swans and the geese are even now squabbling over territory in the living room – there being no room for them in the guano-steeped, bird-infested, reeking desolation that was once my kitchen.

I would disconnect the wretched device myself had you not, for reasons which are beyond me, wired it directly into the mains. 

I am considering taking an axe to the bloody thing unless you send someone out today.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

Date: 19th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I continue to be saddened by the distress you are experiencing with your unit.

I must remind you, however, that according to the customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of your Replicon 2000, the machine itself remains the property of Replicon Inc.  If you should inflict deliberate damage upon it or tamper with it in any way, Replicon Inc. would have no recourse but to seek financial restitution from you through the courts.

Given the urgency of your situation, however, I have reviewed my engineers’ schedules and I am pleased to be able to offer you a visit tomorrow at 13:00.

I hope this is suitable to you.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager


  1. Haha.... Replicon is pure evil!!

  2. Getting better, and better. Loving it!

  3. Love it! Can't wait for what happens next!

  4. think this is difficult? Try getting your bank to acknowledge a change of address :)

    Very funny and getting funnier

  5. Steve - Replicon is indeed a large corporation which is a synonym for pure evil.

    Titus and Eva - glad you're enjoying.

    DFTP - I have had that ridiculous experience with a bank. Maybe you should do a post about it.


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