Saturday, 17 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Five

Date: 17th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault


I can hardly believe my eyes! 

You are saying that this infernal contraption of yours is working perfectly, yet here I am knee deep in leaf-litter and bird-shit!  Yes, it happened again this morning!

I will have now to call in a structural engineer to assess the damage to my property caused by the repeated extra weight on the foundations of unsolicited pear-trees.

The children, who were at first quite delighted with the novelty of all these different kinds of birds, have now developed an allergy to feathers and have been sent to their grandparents for safety.

The kitchen is a no-go area.  The place reeks of guano.  The neighbours are starting to make complaints about the demented shrieking of all these loathsome avians and my dear lady wife continues to dwell on planet Prozac.

Today being the fifth day, I was hoping that I would at least get five gold rings with which to offset the spiralling costs of this ridiculous situation but, no!  It turns out that the five gold rings are in fact common pheasants!  Yet more bloody birds!

I hereby demand that, if you cannot rectify the problem with this hellish machine, you remove it from my premises forthwith.

I am instructing my bank to withhold any further payments until this situation is resolved.
Yours truly

Edward Meeks

Date: 17th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Thank you for your most recent letter.  

I am truly sorry that you are continuing to experience difficulty with your Replicon 2000.

I feel, however, that I must remind you that the customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of the Replicon 2000 runs for a minimum period of twelve months, and it is only after this period has elapsed that the option to cancel is available. 

As the unit is functioning correctly, we are under no obligation to remove or repair it and you are liable for the agreed monthly payments.  Failure to make these payments will leave Replicon Inc with no recourse but to seek recovery of the payments through the courts.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager


  1. Some people are never satisfied. It's all your own fault, should have checked the small print.


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