Friday, 23 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Eleven

Date: 23rd December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Mr Cochrane

I am pleased you have escalated my case to your Head Office, but that does not help me right now, does it?

The wretched machine did its hellish work again this morning and now a second day of wild partying is in full swing, fuelled by liquor provided by today’s clutch of loathsome lords –  all despite my very best efforts (threats, entreaties, and more than a few tears, if I’m honest) to prevent it.

Those wanton hussies, the dancing girls and their toadies, the milkmaids, were delighted by the arrival of eleven pipers in full highland regalia.  They lost absolutely no time in endeavouring to find out what lies under a Scotsman’s kilt, I can tell you!

My formerly sober and sensible wife, newly arrived back from her stint in the drugs rehabilitation clinic, immediately joined in the ‘fun’, and even started the drinking games!  I have no idea what kind of treatment that so-called clinic dispenses, but I’ll be demanding a full refund on their fees, that’s for certain!

The police visited me early this morning, and I was forced to pay 100Cr bail for each one of yesterday’s revellers - including your engineer, by the way.  You will be relieved to learn she was none the worse for her ordeal, although, given her greenish pallor and general lack of physical co-ordination, I doubt that she’ll be reporting for work today.

Apparently, the marauding conga line sashayed into the town centre last night, disrupting traffic left and right, and harassing innocent passers-by.  The latter apparently included a perfectly inoffensive group of Hare Krishna devotees, whose flowers and cymbals the revellers ripped from their hands and whose leader, when he protested (mildly – they ARE peaceful people, after all), they carried off bodily and dumped into the municipal fountain.

The court case is scheduled for sometime in the new year.

Thank you for the counselling voucher.  When I attempted to redeem it on the Samari-corp website as instructed, however, I was re-directed to the website of  The voucher, it seems, was for a free cremation (single decedent, basic package, excl. return of ashes to next-of-kin). 

I must say, while I am certain the stress of the last eleven days will definitely kill me in the end, I thought this was in rather poor (and premature) taste.  Please confirm when your people can come and sort out this nightmare machine and please ensure that it is before I have genuine need of the voucher.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

Date: 23rd December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I can only offer my humble apologies once again for the continuing distress you are experiencing in this frankly highly extraordinary case.

Thank you for paying to bail out our engineer.  I have credited your account with 100Cr by way of reimbursement.

I am so sorry for your having received the wrong voucher.  I can only put it down to an error in our automated system, which must have attached the wrong item to my outgoing mail.  I am sending another voucher with this mail. 

Please feel free to keep the first voucher and make use of it whenever you see fit (provided that it is before the expiry date – no pun intended).

Please be assured that members of our second-line support team will be flying in as soon as visas and such can be arranged for them.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager


  1. You are certifiable! Love this so much!!

  2. Eva - certifiable: it would not be the first time I've been called that.


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