To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 16th December 2023
Subject: Replicator fault
Dear Sir
Is this some kind of joke?
Your engineer called today – if you can dignify the knuckle-dragging anthropoid in overalls that showed up at my door with such a title. The oaf pronounced the wretched machine to be in perfect working order!
He did this despite that fact that he had to climb over yet another pear tree and dodge a small army of feathered assassins to do it!
The four colly birds which appeared today have joined forces with the other avian pests and have now occupied the kitchen, viciously attacking anyone foolish enough to enter – including the inspector from the Animal Rescue people who has now washed his hands of us!
The contractor who has been removing the pear trees for us has just turned up in a brand new truck.
My dear lady wife has been prescribed anti-depressants by our Doctor@Home service, and is now happily living on another planet!
Would that I could join her!
Please find enclosed yet more bills.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 16th December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
Our engineer has delivered his report on your Replicon 2000.
It is, as you previously said, patched to the latest version and, apart from a certain amount of debris build-up in the output chute (which seems mainly to consist of feathers and small twigs), the machine passed all of the diagnostic tests he could devise.
We can only assume, therefore, that the problems you are experiencing are caused by operator error or malicious action.
The customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of the Replicon 2000 specifically states that Replicon Inc. is not liable to pay for any damage arising in such circumstances.
We will not, therefore, be paying any further bills for damage.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
oooh, harsh!
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