To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 25th December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
Our second-line support team has completed its investigation of your Replicon 2000.
It would appear that your machine contained some malicious subroutines which were inserted by a former employee of Replicon Inc. with a view to damaging the company’s reputation.
This particular employee worked as a programmer on the 2000 series and was dismissed for gross misconduct some months ago. Our standard procedure in such cases is to purge completely any machine containing the employee’s code and re-install its software from a certified archive.
It would appear that a small number of units were inadvertently shipped before they could be re-initialised in this way. Regrettably, your unit was one of these. Fortunately, all the others were still in one of our distribution centres and so had not yet been activated. This is why the behaviour of your unit appeared to be a one-off.
We would like to offer you our most sincere apologies for all the distress you have been caused. Replicon Inc. will of course reimburse you completely for all costs incurred as a result of this incident.
Additionally, as a gesture of apology, we would like to offer you a complimentary upgrade to your unit, along with a year’s free rental.
The new Replicon 5000 offers state-of-the-art replication at nearly twice the speed of its predecessor. Which? Recently described it as ‘delivering faultless and versatile service’.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 25th December 2023
Subject: Auto-reply: Re: Replicator fault
This is an automated message, so please do not reply to it.
I am leaving to go and live rough in the woods.
I will be cold.
I will be wet.
I will no doubt quite often be hungry and will eventually assume the ragged and unkempt appearance of some kind of wild man.
It is my aspiration to become the stuff of urban legend.
I will have no access to any technology more sophisticated than an axe and that will be just fine.
Farewell.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Saturday, 24 December 2011
The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Twelve
To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 24th December 2023
Subject: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Cochrane
The structural engineer’s dire predictions have come true.
The foundations of my house have had to bear the weight of twelve pear trees, forty Jersey cows (plus 40 hefty milkmaids), thirty-six clod-hopping dancers, thirty inebriated aristocrats, twenty-two bag-piping Scotsmen, repeated inundation by thousands of gallons of water, and two-hundred and twenty-four assorted birds, whose rate of guano production is, frankly, incredible.
Today was evidently the last straw. The moment the twelve drummers, which were Satan’s gift to me today, began their demonic percussion, the whole back half of the house gave out a weary sigh, collapsed and slowly slid into the flooded basement. In a stroke of monstrous irony, your vile machine, which is evidently made of stern stuff, held up the kitchen ceiling for just long enough to allow us all to escape into the garden unharmed.
Part of me wishes it hadn’t.
Undaunted, the drummers, pipers, lords, dancers, and milkmaids began their wanton carousing once again and the neighbours – who have borne the daily commotions with remarkable goodwill thus far – finally snapped and called the police once more.
The cows, left to their own devices by the milkmaids (who were busy cavorting with the lords), strayed out into the street, where they occupied themselves by goring Mr Jenkins’s new red BMW. I can’t think why the cows would target that one car so much.
The last I saw of my wife, she was firmly wrapped in the hairy arms of one of the pipers – an uncouth red-headed fellow by the name of Angus. When all this is over, there will be words.
I was gazing around in horrified stupefaction at the little slice of Passchendaele which was once my home and garden when the police arrived. I have just now returned from five hours of grilling down at the station. They even had the nerve to call in a psychiatrist!
In retrospect, perhaps the tears and the rocking back and forth did give them some due cause for alarm.
I am now homeless.
When all the devastation has been paid for, I will be penniless.
If Angus has his wicked way, I shall probably be wifeless as well.
It’s been a week since I last saw my dear children.
I haven’t eaten anything but eggs for days (can you IMAGINE the effect on my digestion?) and I have not slept.
You have ruined me.
I hope you’re satisfied.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 24th December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
I am so very sorry for your troubles.
We at Replicon Inc. wish only to make life better for our customers by providing them with products which are reliable, versatile and useful, and it is not now, nor ever has been our intention to ruin anyone’s life.
Four members of our second-line support team should reach your house tomorrow and hopefully they will be able to ascertain the root cause of the unusual behaviour of your Replicon 2000 unit.
In the meantime, may I personally wish you a happy Christmas.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
Friday, 23 December 2011
The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Eleven
To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 23rd December 2023
Subject: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Cochrane
I am pleased you have escalated my case to your Head Office, but that does not help me right now, does it?
The wretched machine did its hellish work again this morning and now a second day of wild partying is in full swing, fuelled by liquor provided by today’s clutch of loathsome lords – all despite my very best efforts (threats, entreaties, and more than a few tears, if I’m honest) to prevent it.
Those wanton hussies, the dancing girls and their toadies, the milkmaids, were delighted by the arrival of eleven pipers in full highland regalia. They lost absolutely no time in endeavouring to find out what lies under a Scotsman’s kilt, I can tell you!
My formerly sober and sensible wife, newly arrived back from her stint in the drugs rehabilitation clinic, immediately joined in the ‘fun’, and even started the drinking games! I have no idea what kind of treatment that so-called clinic dispenses, but I’ll be demanding a full refund on their fees, that’s for certain!
The police visited me early this morning, and I was forced to pay 100Cr bail for each one of yesterday’s revellers - including your engineer, by the way. You will be relieved to learn she was none the worse for her ordeal, although, given her greenish pallor and general lack of physical co-ordination, I doubt that she’ll be reporting for work today.
Apparently, the marauding conga line sashayed into the town centre last night, disrupting traffic left and right, and harassing innocent passers-by. The latter apparently included a perfectly inoffensive group of Hare Krishna devotees, whose flowers and cymbals the revellers ripped from their hands and whose leader, when he protested (mildly – they ARE peaceful people, after all), they carried off bodily and dumped into the municipal fountain.
The court case is scheduled for sometime in the new year.
Thank you for the counselling voucher. When I attempted to redeem it on the Samari-corp website as instructed, however, I was re-directed to the website of Requiescat-In-Pacem.com. The voucher, it seems, was for a free cremation (single decedent, basic package, excl. return of ashes to next-of-kin).
I must say, while I am certain the stress of the last eleven days will definitely kill me in the end, I thought this was in rather poor (and premature) taste. Please confirm when your people can come and sort out this nightmare machine and please ensure that it is before I have genuine need of the voucher.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 23rd December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
I can only offer my humble apologies once again for the continuing distress you are experiencing in this frankly highly extraordinary case.
Thank you for paying to bail out our engineer. I have credited your account with 100Cr by way of reimbursement.
I am so sorry for your having received the wrong voucher. I can only put it down to an error in our automated system, which must have attached the wrong item to my outgoing mail. I am sending another voucher with this mail.
Please feel free to keep the first voucher and make use of it whenever you see fit (provided that it is before the expiry date – no pun intended).
Please be assured that members of our second-line support team will be flying in as soon as visas and such can be arranged for them.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
Thursday, 22 December 2011
The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Ten
To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 22nd December 2023
Subject: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Cochrane
Thank you for sending your engineer to visit me today.
Unfortunately, as the young lady will no doubt inform you in her report (when she is eventually in a position to write it, and assuming she can actually remember the events of today), she was not able to disconnect the diabolical contraption as planned..
Today, the ten lords a-leaping made their unwelcome appearance. These boorish hooray-henrys came with several barrels of strong liquor (the cause of their leaping, no doubt!) and, along with those common slatterns the dancing girls and the milkmaids (whose capacity for strong drink is frankly mesmerising), immediately set about having a wild and noisy party.
When she arrived, your engineer was immediately mobbed by the uncouth revellers, forcibly plied with strong drink and was then dragooned into an impromptu conga, which eventually snaked its raucous way out into the street.
I have not seen her - or the other party-goers - since.
In the meantime, with the garden gate being left open and farmer Watson not yet having arrived to collect today’s crop of livestock, the beasts got out and straightaway laid waste to the allotments behind the house.
All the various birds trailed after them like some feather-brained Legion of the Damned, finishing off anything that the cows had not already eaten, defecated upon, or simply trodden into oblivion.
I imagine that, when the allotment owners discover the catastrophe that has befallen the crops they have tended with such loving care, there will be a necktie party and yours truly will be the guest of honour.
To be honest, I am tempted to phone them myself right now.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 22nd December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
We have not yet received our engineer’s report of today’s visit, and have been unable to reach her by phone.
We are extremely concerned for her safety and whereabouts. We have, therefore, alerted the local police and have passed your contact details to them, so you should expect a visit from them in the near future.
As their safety clearly cannot be guaranteed, I cannot in all good conscience order any more of my engineers to visit you.
However, because of the unusual and serious developments in your case, I have now made a formal report of it to our Head Office with a recommendation that an investigation be started by our second-line support team.
Your last remarks appear to be of a somewhat suicidal nature. In recognition of your distress, please allow me to offer you a voucher for a complimentary session with one of the state-of-the-art counselling robots provided by our sister company, Samari-Corp*.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Nine
To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 21st December 2023
Subject: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Cochrane
I apologise for my previous mail, but as you can imagine, I have been under a certain amount of stress just lately. I have barely slept a wink, and my diet now consists almost entirely of hen and goose eggs, since your machine will absolutely NOT produce anything other than the twelve days of Christmas ‘gifts’. I cannot even send out for food any more as the geese (who are now quite numerous and very aggressive), along with my somewhat wild-eyed and dishevelled appearance, has scared off all the delivery people.
Today, the bowels of Hell, to which your infernal machine apparently has a direct connection, spat up the usual, plus nine ladies dancing. I say ‘ladies’, but the troupe of tawdry strumpets that came gyrating suggestively through the living-room this morning was anything but ladylike. The best that can be said for it is that the increasingly smug yahoo who has been removing the pear trees each day (he has just bought himself a small yacht, by the way) and the grinning ape that pumps out the basement enjoyed the display so much that they offered me a modest reduction in their bills. Small mercies, i suppose.
The neighbours are now more or less constantly complaining about the noise and the barnyard smell, and even the offer of free milk and eggs does not seem to placate them.
The police were called after a number of the milkmaids (more like fishwives from their language) got into an altercation with Mr Jenkins opposite when he complained that one of the cows had dented his car. I will now, it seems, have to pay for that, plus the replacement of his front window after a milk pail was hurled through it.
I am at my wits’ end. The dancers came equipped with tambourines with which to accompany themselves in their wanton cavorting. These, they have been employing without mercy since they arrived, adding to the general surreal cacophony of honks, hisses, squawks, moos and of course my own quiet sobbing.
For the love of all that is holy, please send someone (a female might be safe from the sex-starved milkmaids and lascivious dancers) to disconnect this mechanical abomination.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 21st December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
I am very mindful of the distress you are suffering at this time and thank you for your apology, which I gladly accept.
I have arranged for one of our engineers (a female, as you suggested) to visit you tomorrow at 11:00.
I trust this is satisfactory.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Eight
To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 20th December 2023
Subject: Replicator fault
I am losing the will to live! I waited in all day and your engineer DID NOT CALL! What kind of service do you call this?
You HAVE to turn your hellish machine off!
This morning, in addition to the usual array of feathered gits, tedious pear tree and yet another few thousand gallons of freezing water, the eight maids turned up – along with eight Jersey cows - since without them there would be no ‘a-milking’, apparently!
These malodorous, clod-hopping beasts have just about reduced to splinters anything and everything downstairs that had not already been shat on or submerged. The maids managed to drive the wretched animals out into the garden (with some difficulty, as our doorways are meant for people not livestock), whereupon they (the cows, not the maids) proceeded to eat or trample underfoot all my wife’s much-loved flowerbeds.
In the space of a single morning, these appalling bovines have succeeded in reducing the garden to nothing more than a sea of glutinous, manure-tainted mud, so that it now more closely resembles the aftermath of the Somme than a suburban front yard.
My dear lady wife has now had to be referred to the local drug addiction service due to the amount of tranquillisers she has been consuming these last few days.
I have at least managed to contact a local farmer who has agreed to take the cows off my hands, but what on earth am I supposed to do with eight semi-skilled female agricultural workers?
Words cannot DESCRIBE the level of hatred that is building up in my heart towards you and your accursed company. I see you have been most careful not to publish the address of your offices anywhere – very wise! If I knew where to find you, I would come over there with a baseball bat.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 20th December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
Our engineer called at you house at 13:00 today, as promised. He was, however, not able to reach the front door as he was set upon by a gang of uncouth young females (the words he actually used in his report were ‘gaggle of nymphomaniac harpies’).
Replicon Inc. takes the safety of its staff very seriously and unless our engineers can be assured of safe access to your premises, we cannot in good conscience send any more of them to your house.
I appreciate that you are experiencing a great deal of frustration at this time, Mr Meeks, but I would ask you to refrain from the kind of threatening language you used in your last mail.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
Monday, 19 December 2011
The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Seven
To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 19th December 2023
Subject: Replicator fault
Mr Cochrane!
The 26th December most certainly is NOT suitable!
By my calculations, this diabolical contraption of yours will have run all the way through the entire nightmare of the Twelve Days of Christmas by then! My health (I have developed a nasty itchy rash and a hacking cough from excessive contact with bird feathers and guano) and my finances (I am now having to dig into my children’s college funds to pay for repairs because the insurance company is now not even returning my calls) will be ruined.
I NEED it to be shut off NOW!
Today, the seven swans arrived and, since the song specifically states that they should be ‘a-swimming’, so did several thousand gallons of freezing cold water! So now I’ve had to hire yet another grinning buffoon of a contractor to pump out the water, which has ruined everything on the ground floor and flooded the basement into the bargain. This, of course, is in addition to the usual collection of feathered vermin and the inevitable pear tree.
The swans and the geese are even now squabbling over territory in the living room – there being no room for them in the guano-steeped, bird-infested, reeking desolation that was once my kitchen.
I would disconnect the wretched device myself had you not, for reasons which are beyond me, wired it directly into the mains.
I am considering taking an axe to the bloody thing unless you send someone out today.
Yours truly
Edward Meeks
To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 19th December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault
Dear Mr Meeks
I continue to be saddened by the distress you are experiencing with your unit.
I must remind you, however, that according to the customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of your Replicon 2000, the machine itself remains the property of Replicon Inc. If you should inflict deliberate damage upon it or tamper with it in any way, Replicon Inc. would have no recourse but to seek financial restitution from you through the courts.
Given the urgency of your situation, however, I have reviewed my engineers’ schedules and I am pleased to be able to offer you a visit tomorrow at 13:00.
I hope this is suitable to you.
Yours truly
Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager
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