Sunday, 18 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Six

To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 18th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault

Have you ANY IDEA just how aggressive a flock of geese with eggs to protect actually are?

Six hissing, honking psychopaths turned up today, along with all the other feathered pests and yet another damn pear tree!  They have since escaped and are now terrorising the neighbourhood.  Mrs O’Leary from next door has decided to barricade herself in after being viciously pecked when she tried to shoo the vile creatures away with a yard broom.

The police have issued ME with a caution.

How can you POSSIBLY say there’s nothing wrong with your damned machine?

Please, just come and disconnect it.  I will even continue to pay the rental.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 18th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I can only say how sorry we at Replicon are to hear of your continuing difficulties.

As regards to your request for disconnection, this is a very busy time of year for us, as many people are purchasing and installing our machines ready for the Christmas festivities.  The earliest, therefore, that we can schedule a visit by one of our engineers is 26th December at 10:30 a.m.

I trust that this is satisfactory.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager

Saturday, 17 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Five

To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 17th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault

Sir

I can hardly believe my eyes! 

You are saying that this infernal contraption of yours is working perfectly, yet here I am knee deep in leaf-litter and bird-shit!  Yes, it happened again this morning!

I will have now to call in a structural engineer to assess the damage to my property caused by the repeated extra weight on the foundations of unsolicited pear-trees.

The children, who were at first quite delighted with the novelty of all these different kinds of birds, have now developed an allergy to feathers and have been sent to their grandparents for safety.

The kitchen is a no-go area.  The place reeks of guano.  The neighbours are starting to make complaints about the demented shrieking of all these loathsome avians and my dear lady wife continues to dwell on planet Prozac.

Today being the fifth day, I was hoping that I would at least get five gold rings with which to offset the spiralling costs of this ridiculous situation but, no!  It turns out that the five gold rings are in fact common pheasants!  Yet more bloody birds!

I hereby demand that, if you cannot rectify the problem with this hellish machine, you remove it from my premises forthwith.

I am instructing my bank to withhold any further payments until this situation is resolved.
 
Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 17th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Thank you for your most recent letter.  

I am truly sorry that you are continuing to experience difficulty with your Replicon 2000.

I feel, however, that I must remind you that the customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of the Replicon 2000 runs for a minimum period of twelve months, and it is only after this period has elapsed that the option to cancel is available. 

As the unit is functioning correctly, we are under no obligation to remove or repair it and you are liable for the agreed monthly payments.  Failure to make these payments will leave Replicon Inc with no recourse but to seek recovery of the payments through the courts.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager

Friday, 16 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Four

To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 16th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Sir

Is this some kind of joke? 

Your engineer called today – if you can dignify the knuckle-dragging anthropoid in overalls that showed up at my door with such a title.  The oaf pronounced the wretched machine to be in perfect working order! 

He did this despite that fact that he had to climb over yet another pear tree and dodge a small army of feathered assassins to do it! 

The four colly birds which appeared today have joined forces with the other avian pests and have now occupied the kitchen, viciously attacking anyone foolish enough to enter – including the inspector from the Animal Rescue people who has now washed his hands of us! 

The contractor who has been removing the pear trees for us has just turned up in a brand new truck.

My dear lady wife has been prescribed anti-depressants by our Doctor@Home service, and is now happily living on another planet!

Would that I could join her!

Please find enclosed yet more bills.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 16th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Our engineer has delivered his report on your Replicon 2000. 

It is, as you previously said, patched to the latest version and, apart from a certain amount of debris build-up in the output chute (which seems mainly to consist of feathers and small twigs), the machine passed all of the diagnostic tests he could devise.

We can only assume, therefore, that the problems you are experiencing are caused by operator error or malicious action. 

The customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of the Replicon 2000 specifically states that Replicon Inc. is not liable to pay for any damage arising in such circumstances.

We will not, therefore, be paying any further bills for damage.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager

Thursday, 15 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Three

To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 15th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault
Dear Sir

It’s happened again! 

This time, in addition to the pear-tree, partridge and doves, there are now three hens scratching away at the Axminster in the living room.  I couldn’t say if they were French, since they have not exactly spoken to me!

My wife, who has borne all the preceding upsets with great patience is threatening to undergo a sense-of-humour-failure.  She has retired to bed with a large bottle of brandy. 

As soon as I have finished writing this letter, I shall be joining her.

Bills to follow.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 15th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I am sorry to hear of your continuing difficulties. 

We did send an engineer to visit you today, but he reports that he was unable to gain entry to your premises, despite repeated ringing of the bell.  He says that you were certainly in at the time, because he could hear some rather off-key singing coming from the upper floor of your home.

He will be visiting again tomorrow to assess the situation, please ensure that he is able to gain entry.    
 
Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Two

To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 14th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault
 
Dear Sir

Thank you for your prompt reply.  I did as you suggested, and the diagnostic readout on my Replicon 2000 now shows a software level of 3.08i – the latest level.

Why then, did I come downstairs this morning to discover yet another partridge and pear tree, accompanied by two members of what my KnowledgeBase has identified as the family columbidae – Turtle Doves, I presume?

So not only do I have the problem of having a large tree removed from the premises (again!) I now have to trouble my local Animal Rescue group once more to find homes for these noisome and somewhat loose-bowelled avians.

As before, I will be sending you the bills for the tree removal and also for steam-cleaning my carpets and furniture.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 14th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Once again, we can only offer our most sincere apologies for this extremely unusual behaviour by our product.  3.08i is indeed the correct patch-level.  Frankly, we cannot understand how this could have happened.

We will be sending an engineer out to examine your unit.  In the meantime, please accept our continued apologies and be assured that we will pay for the damage caused.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day One

To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 13th December 2023
Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Sir

I purchased a Replicon 2000 a few weeks ago and, up until now, it has given faultless service, replicating everything I’ve asked of it, perfectly.

This morning, however, I came downstairs to find that it had replicated a large fruit-bearing tree and a small member of the phasianidae family which my home KnowledgeBase has classified as perdix perdix or, more commonly, a grey partridge.  No one in the house was up before me and these items were certainly not there when I went to bed last night!

I can remove the partridge with little difficulty – the local Animal Rescue group has agreed to take it off my hands.  The pear tree however, is another matter, and the local landscaping contractor has quoted me a bill of 500 credits plus tax to cut it up and remove it.

I demand an explanation and you should be advised that I will be sending the landscaper’s bill to your company.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 13th December 2023
Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

We are sorry to hear that you have been having problems with the Replicon 2000.  We have over a million of these units in service and have not received any other complaints of unsolicited replicating.  However, as a gesture of goodwill on our part, we are willing to pay the bill for the removal of the pear tree on this occasion.

You should ensure that the software for the Replicon 2000 is up-to-date.  You can do this by visiting our website at www.replicon.com/support, where you can download the latest patches.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager

Monday, 5 December 2011

NaNoWriMo - done

I did it.  Fifty-thousand-plus words in thirty days (twenty-nine actually, if we want to be picky).

At one point, I was a whopping 10,000 words behind schedule (work is truly the curse of the creative mind!) and honestly thought I’d never catch up.  Luckily, a couple of really long and fertile weekend sessions got me back on track and the words came thick and fast for the final downhill rush to the finish.

Phew!

So, what did I get from the experience, apart from a sore neck and shoulders from hunching over my laptop?

Firstly, a HUGE buzz for having met the challenge.  I'm naturally quite goal-oriented so NaNoWriMo  really chimed with me. 

Secondly, I now have what I think is a workable first draft for a story idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for years.  This means more to me than the buzz of making the wordcount.

Just as I was setting out on NaNoWriMo, I followed a link on A Beer for the Shower  - the MOST awe-inspiring blog in the bloggie-verse – fail to follow it at your peril!.  This led to an article by one Laura Miller, called Better Yet – DON’T Write That Novel.  This article says, amongst other things, that NaNoWriMo, because it encourages people just to write and ignore (for the moment) the quality, is causing far too much crap to be written – crap which gets sent to hapless editors and agents, apparently. 

To answer this: I know my NaNo is NOT the finished article.  I would be a deluded idiot to imagine otherwise, and would not dream of showing it to anybody other than my NaNoBuddy Don’t Feed the Pixies without a thorough revamp.  I daresay most NaNos are execrably bad and should be burnt immediately, but that’s NOT the point.

The point, for me at least, is that I had to discipline myself to sit down and pound out a story, come what may.  I’ve never approached writing in quite this way before (and I have been writing all my adult life).  It is such a refreshing change!

I have several half-baked novels which have withered through over-editing and general faffing about to the point I get bored with them.  What I have learned this year is that if you just keep going, it IS possible to get to the end AND you won’t actually die if there are some inconsistencies or plot holes, because these can be fixed in the re-write.

Having a definite goal to reach really pulled the story out of me and made it grow and change in ways I never would have imagined.  Characters appeared as extras, then suddenly blossomed into really interesting people.  The setting changed.  Heck, just about everything did.

Recommendations for anybody (including me) thinking of doing a NaNo in the future:

Have at least a start and a finish for the story – you can fill in the middle as you go.

Have a buddy to urge you onwards.  DFTP and I exchanged texts most days and talked about our progress and this kept the thing alive for me.

And finally: just give it a go!  What’s the worst that can happen?

Just for funsies, here's what I imagine the back-cover blurb for my NaNo might be:

The construction of FS-111-Albert-Einstein is almost complete.  When fully operational, the station will be one of the most important and potentially lucrative nodes in the FarNetwork, providing a valuable shortcut between two of the busiest sectors in the Ninety Worlds. 
For two years now, construction has progressed more or less without a hitch, but about a month ago, things started to go wrong.
At first, it was just inexplicable graffiti appearing on walls and some minor vandalism. 
Then a loading bot accidentally crushes a couple of construction workers.
Shortly after that, the suicides begin – or at least, what appear to be suicides. 
Has all the construction project’s bad luck simply come at once?  Is it some kind of malicious action by a rival corporation, eager to snatch the node licence from Amalgamated Leisure?  Or is there a deranged and ingenious killer aboard FS-111?
Gideon Taverner, a freelance security consultant, is hired to find out.