NaSoWriMo? Not-So-Rhyme-O!

In November, my good friend Don't Feed the Pixies and I had a crack at NaNoWriMo 2011, and duly churned out a 50,000 word ‘novel’ each.

I now, of course, have to go back and turn into something vaguely readable the steaming pile of brain-vomit that I produced.

Before that, however, let’s look at this month’s whacky challenge, as proposed by the Pixie himself:

write 10-12 brand new songs in a month.

Taking the lower number as our target, this equates to 1 song every 3.1 days; if you take the higher, it’s more like 1 song every 2.6 days. So even aiming for the higher target, you get a nice leisurely two-and-a-half days to write each song.

A song’s only going to be a few hundred words at the most.

Compare this with the 1,667 words you need to get done each day to complete the novel-writing challenge.

Easy-peasy then.

Yes.

No.

Yes and no.

I started off quite well as I had quite a few bits of songs and music ideas I’d been mucking about with for ages. The pressure of the deadline helped me turn these fragments into completed songs – not particularly good ones, necessarily, but complete. Using the NaNo idea of just get the thing written down and worry about the quality later paid off once again, as I now how some completed things that can be polished.

Also, all the frantic tugging on the frayed ends of a few musical ideas somehow drew out two whole shiny new songs, which wrote themselves very quickly. I haven’t managed to write any new songs for months, so this was an unexpected and welcome bonus.

As if this wasn’t enough, the drive spilled over into completing the Twelve Days of Christmas series that I first started way back in 2001, and kept promising to complete every year since then. Again, there was something about having to come up with a post every day for thirteen days that seemed to fuel the thing to completion.

Pixie and I are hoping to play our creations to each other for the first time tomorrow night as part of our New Year’s Eve festivities.

As of now, I have just over 24 hours to pen 2 more songs to make the minimum target.

I have to say that, although I’m actually part way through both the 2 remaining songs, I’m struggling to complete them.

I got nothing.

I’ll come back to them later tonight and again tomorrow.

Thing is, even if I don’t complete them, this has been a truly worthwhile challenge for me. There is clearly a little bit of my brain that thrives on deadlines – even if it’s just a bit of fun between friends

I think my New Year’s Resolution for 2012 will not be about giving up stuff, but rather about adding things to my life.  I'd like to try and create something new each month in 2012.

If anybody has any ideas for a creativity-based monthly challenge, please leave a comment.

In any case, here's wishing you all...

A very Happy 2012

from me

and

all the voices in my head.

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Finale

To: e_meeks@freenet.com
Date: 25th December 2023
Subject: Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Our second-line support team has completed its investigation of your Replicon 2000.

It would appear that your machine contained some malicious subroutines which were inserted by a former employee of Replicon Inc. with a view to damaging the company’s reputation.

This particular employee worked as a programmer on the 2000 series and was dismissed for gross misconduct some months ago. Our standard procedure in such cases is to purge completely any machine containing the employee’s code and re-install its software from a certified archive.

It would appear that a small number of units were inadvertently shipped before they could be re-initialised in this way. Regrettably, your unit was one of these. Fortunately, all the others were still in one of our distribution centres and so had not yet been activated. This is why the behaviour of your unit appeared to be a one-off.

We would like to offer you our most sincere apologies for all the distress you have been caused. Replicon Inc. will of course reimburse you completely for all costs incurred as a result of this incident.

Additionally, as a gesture of apology, we would like to offer you a complimentary upgrade to your unit, along with a year’s free rental.

The new Replicon 5000 offers state-of-the-art replication at nearly twice the speed of its predecessor. Which? Recently described it as ‘delivering faultless and versatile service’.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane
Service Manager

To: customer_service@replicon.com
Date: 25th December 2023
Subject: Auto-reply: Re: Replicator fault


This is an automated message, so please do not reply to it.


I am leaving to go and live rough in the woods.


I will be cold.


I will be wet.


I will no doubt quite often be hungry and will eventually assume the ragged and unkempt appearance of some kind of wild man.


It is my aspiration to become the stuff of urban legend.


I will have no access to any technology more sophisticated than an axe and that will be just fine.


Farewell.


Yours truly


Edward Meeks

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Twelve

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 24th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Mr Cochrane

The structural engineer’s dire predictions have come true.

The foundations of my house have had to bear the weight of twelve pear trees, forty Jersey cows (plus 40 hefty milkmaids), thirty-six clod-hopping dancers, thirty inebriated aristocrats, twenty-two bag-piping Scotsmen, repeated inundation by thousands of gallons of water, and two-hundred and twenty-four assorted birds, whose rate of guano production is, frankly, incredible.

Today was evidently the last straw.  The moment the twelve drummers, which were Satan’s gift to me today, began their demonic percussion, the whole back half of the house gave out a weary sigh, collapsed and slowly slid into the flooded basement. In a stroke of monstrous irony, your vile machine, which is evidently made of stern stuff, held up the kitchen ceiling for just long enough to allow us all to escape into the garden unharmed. 

Part of me wishes it hadn’t.

Undaunted, the drummers, pipers, lords, dancers, and milkmaids began their wanton carousing once again and the neighbours – who have borne the daily commotions with remarkable goodwill thus far – finally snapped and called the police once more.

The cows, left to their own devices by the milkmaids (who were busy cavorting with the lords), strayed out into the street, where they occupied themselves by goring Mr Jenkins’s new red BMW.  I can’t think why the cows would target that one car so much.

The last I saw of my wife, she was firmly wrapped in the hairy arms of one of the pipers – an uncouth red-headed fellow by the name of Angus.  When all this is over, there will be words.  

I was gazing around in horrified stupefaction at the little slice of Passchendaele which was once my home and garden when the police arrived.  I have just now returned from five hours of grilling down at the station.  They even had the nerve to call in a psychiatrist! 

In retrospect, perhaps the tears and the rocking back and forth did give them some due cause for alarm.

I am now homeless. 

When all the devastation has been paid for, I will be penniless.

If Angus has his wicked way, I shall probably be wifeless as well.

It’s been a week since I last saw my dear children. 

I haven’t eaten anything but eggs for days (can you IMAGINE the effect on my digestion?) and I have not slept.

You have ruined me.

I hope you’re satisfied.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 24th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I am so very sorry for your troubles. 

We at Replicon Inc. wish only to make life better for our customers  by providing them with products which are reliable, versatile and useful, and it is not now, nor ever has been our intention to ruin anyone’s life.

Four members of our second-line support team should reach your house tomorrow and hopefully they will be able to ascertain the root cause of the unusual behaviour of your Replicon 2000 unit.

In the meantime, may I personally wish you a happy Christmas.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Eleven

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 23rd December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Mr Cochrane

I am pleased you have escalated my case to your Head Office, but that does not help me right now, does it?

The wretched machine did its hellish work again this morning and now a second day of wild partying is in full swing, fuelled by liquor provided by today’s clutch of loathsome lords –  all despite my very best efforts (threats, entreaties, and more than a few tears, if I’m honest) to prevent it.

Those wanton hussies, the dancing girls and their toadies, the milkmaids, were delighted by the arrival of eleven pipers in full highland regalia.  They lost absolutely no time in endeavouring to find out what lies under a Scotsman’s kilt, I can tell you!

My formerly sober and sensible wife, newly arrived back from her stint in the drugs rehabilitation clinic, immediately joined in the ‘fun’, and even started the drinking games!  I have no idea what kind of treatment that so-called clinic dispenses, but I’ll be demanding a full refund on their fees, that’s for certain!

The police visited me early this morning, and I was forced to pay 100Cr bail for each one of yesterday’s revellers - including your engineer, by the way.  You will be relieved to learn she was none the worse for her ordeal, although, given her greenish pallor and general lack of physical co-ordination, I doubt that she’ll be reporting for work today.

Apparently, the marauding conga line sashayed into the town centre last night, disrupting traffic left and right, and harassing innocent passers-by.  The latter apparently included a perfectly inoffensive group of Hare Krishna devotees, whose flowers and cymbals the revellers ripped from their hands and whose leader, when he protested (mildly – they ARE peaceful people, after all), they carried off bodily and dumped into the municipal fountain.

The court case is scheduled for sometime in the new year.

Thank you for the counselling voucher.  When I attempted to redeem it on the Samari-corp website as instructed, however, I was re-directed to the website of  Requiescat-In-Pacem.com.  The voucher, it seems, was for a free cremation (single decedent, basic package, excl. return of ashes to next-of-kin). 

I must say, while I am certain the stress of the last eleven days will definitely kill me in the end, I thought this was in rather poor (and premature) taste.  Please confirm when your people can come and sort out this nightmare machine and please ensure that it is before I have genuine need of the voucher.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 23rd December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I can only offer my humble apologies once again for the continuing distress you are experiencing in this frankly highly extraordinary case.

Thank you for paying to bail out our engineer.  I have credited your account with 100Cr by way of reimbursement.

I am so sorry for your having received the wrong voucher.  I can only put it down to an error in our automated system, which must have attached the wrong item to my outgoing mail.  I am sending another voucher with this mail. 

Please feel free to keep the first voucher and make use of it whenever you see fit (provided that it is before the expiry date – no pun intended).

Please be assured that members of our second-line support team will be flying in as soon as visas and such can be arranged for them.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Ten

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 22nd December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Mr Cochrane

Thank you for sending your engineer to visit me today.

Unfortunately, as the young lady will no doubt inform you in her report (when she is eventually in a position to write it, and assuming she can actually remember the events of today), she was not able to disconnect the diabolical contraption as planned..

Today, the ten lords a-leaping made their unwelcome appearance. These boorish hooray-henrys came with several barrels of strong liquor (the cause of their leaping, no doubt!) and, along with those common slatterns the dancing girls and the milkmaids (whose capacity for strong drink is frankly mesmerising), immediately set about having a wild and noisy party.

When she arrived, your engineer was immediately mobbed by the uncouth revellers, forcibly plied with strong drink and was then dragooned into an impromptu conga, which eventually snaked its raucous way out into the street.

I have not seen her - or the other party-goers - since.

In the meantime, with the garden gate being left open and farmer Watson not yet having arrived to collect today’s crop of livestock, the beasts got out and straightaway laid waste to the allotments behind the house. 

All the various birds trailed after them like some feather-brained Legion of the Damned, finishing off anything that the cows had not already eaten, defecated upon, or simply trodden into oblivion.

I imagine that, when the allotment owners discover the catastrophe that has befallen the crops they have tended with such loving care, there will be a necktie party and yours truly will be the guest of honour.

To be honest, I am tempted to phone them myself right now.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 22nd December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

We have not yet received our engineer’s report of today’s visit, and have been unable to reach her by phone.

We are extremely concerned for her safety and whereabouts.  We have, therefore, alerted the local police and have passed your contact details to them, so you should expect a visit from them in the near future.

As their safety clearly cannot be guaranteed, I cannot in all good conscience order any more of my engineers to visit you.

However, because of the unusual and serious developments in your case, I have now made a formal report of it to our Head Office with a recommendation that an investigation be started by our second-line support team.

Your last remarks appear to be of a somewhat suicidal nature.  In recognition of your distress, please allow me to offer you a voucher for a complimentary session with one of the state-of-the-art counselling robots provided by our sister company, Samari-Corp*. 

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

*This offer should in no way be construed as an admission of liability on the part of Replicon Inc., its shareholders, board, staff, affiliates, parent company or subsidiaries.

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Nine

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 21st December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Mr Cochrane

I apologise for my previous mail, but as you can imagine, I have been under a certain amount of stress just lately.  I have barely slept a wink, and my diet now consists almost entirely of hen and goose eggs, since your machine will absolutely NOT produce anything other than the twelve days of Christmas ‘gifts’.  I cannot even send out for food any more as the geese (who are now quite numerous and very aggressive), along with my somewhat wild-eyed and dishevelled appearance, has scared off all the delivery people.

Today, the bowels of Hell, to which your infernal machine apparently has a direct connection, spat up the usual, plus nine ladies dancing.  I say ‘ladies’, but the troupe of tawdry strumpets that came gyrating suggestively through the living-room this morning was anything but ladylike.  The best that can be said for it is that the increasingly smug yahoo who has been removing the pear trees each day (he has just bought himself a small yacht, by the way) and the grinning ape that pumps out the basement enjoyed the display so much that they offered me a modest reduction in their bills.  Small mercies, i suppose.

The neighbours are now more or less constantly complaining about the noise and the barnyard smell, and even the offer of free milk and eggs does not seem to placate them. 

The police were called after a number of the milkmaids (more like fishwives from their language) got into an altercation with Mr Jenkins opposite when he complained that one of the cows had dented his car.  I will now, it seems, have to pay for that, plus the replacement of his front window after a milk pail was hurled through it.

I am at my wits’ end.  The dancers came equipped with tambourines with which to accompany themselves in their wanton cavorting.  These, they have been employing without mercy since they arrived, adding to the general surreal cacophony of honks, hisses, squawks, moos and of course my own quiet sobbing.  

For the love of all that is holy, please send someone (a female might be safe from the sex-starved milkmaids and lascivious dancers) to disconnect this mechanical abomination.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 21st December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I am very mindful of the distress you are suffering at this time and thank you for your apology, which I gladly accept.

I have arranged for one of our engineers (a female, as you suggested) to visit you tomorrow at 11:00. 

I trust this is satisfactory.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Eight

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 20th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

I am losing the will to live!  I waited in all day and your engineer DID NOT CALL!  What kind of service do you call this? 

You HAVE to turn your hellish machine off!

This morning, in addition to the usual array of feathered gits, tedious pear tree and yet another few thousand gallons of freezing water, the eight maids turned up – along with eight Jersey cows - since without them there would be no ‘a-milking’, apparently! 

These malodorous, clod-hopping beasts have just about reduced to splinters anything and everything downstairs that had not already been shat on or submerged.  The maids managed to drive the wretched animals out into the garden (with some difficulty, as our doorways are meant for people not livestock), whereupon they (the cows, not the maids) proceeded to eat or trample underfoot all my wife’s much-loved flowerbeds. 

In the space of a single morning, these appalling bovines have succeeded in reducing the garden to nothing more than a sea of glutinous, manure-tainted mud, so that it now more closely resembles the aftermath of the Somme than a suburban front yard.

My dear lady wife has now had to be referred to the local drug addiction service due to the amount of tranquillisers she has been consuming these last few days.

I have at least managed to contact a local farmer who has agreed to take the cows off my hands, but what on earth am I supposed to do with eight semi-skilled female agricultural workers? 

Words cannot DESCRIBE the level of hatred that is building up in my heart towards you and your accursed company.  I see you have been most careful not to publish the address of your offices anywhere – very wise!  If I knew where to find you, I would come over there with a baseball bat.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 20th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Our engineer called at you house at 13:00 today, as promised.  He was, however, not able to reach the front door as he was set upon by a gang of uncouth young females (the words he actually used in his report were ‘gaggle of nymphomaniac harpies’).

Replicon Inc. takes the safety of its staff very seriously and unless our engineers can be assured of safe access to your premises, we cannot in good conscience send any more of them to your house.

I appreciate that you are experiencing a great deal of frustration at this time, Mr Meeks, but I would ask you to refrain from the kind of threatening language you used in your last mail.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Seven

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 19th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Mr Cochrane!

The 26^th December most certainly is NOT suitable! 

By my calculations, this diabolical contraption of yours will have run all the way through the entire nightmare of the Twelve Days of Christmas by then!  My health (I have developed a nasty itchy rash and a hacking cough from excessive contact with bird feathers and guano) and my finances (I am now having to dig into my children’s college funds to pay for repairs because the insurance company is now not even returning my calls) will be ruined.

I NEED it to be shut off NOW!

Today, the seven swans arrived and, since the song specifically states that they should be ‘a-swimming’, so did several thousand gallons of freezing cold water!  So now I’ve had to hire yet another grinning buffoon of a contractor to pump out the water, which has ruined everything on the ground floor and flooded the basement into the bargain.  This, of course, is in addition to the usual collection of feathered vermin and the inevitable pear tree.

The swans and the geese are even now squabbling over territory in the living room – there being no room for them in the guano-steeped, bird-infested, reeking desolation that was once my kitchen.

I would disconnect the wretched device myself had you not, for reasons which are beyond me, wired it directly into the mains. 

I am considering taking an axe to the bloody thing unless you send someone out today.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 19th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I continue to be saddened by the distress you are experiencing with your unit.

I must remind you, however, that according to the customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of your Replicon 2000, the machine itself remains the property of Replicon Inc.  If you should inflict deliberate damage upon it or tamper with it in any way, Replicon Inc. would have no recourse but to seek financial restitution from you through the courts.

Given the urgency of your situation, however, I have reviewed my engineers’ schedules and I am pleased to be able to offer you a visit tomorrow at 13:00.

I hope this is suitable to you.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Six

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 18th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Have you ANY IDEA just how aggressive a flock of geese with eggs to protect actually are?

Six hissing, honking psychopaths turned up today, along with all the other feathered pests and yet another damn pear tree!  They have since escaped and are now terrorising the neighbourhood.  Mrs O’Leary from next door has decided to barricade herself in after being viciously pecked when she tried to shoo the vile creatures away with a yard broom.

The police have issued ME with a caution.

How can you POSSIBLY say there’s nothing wrong with your damned machine?

Please, just come and disconnect it.  I will even continue to pay the rental.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 18th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I can only say how sorry we at Replicon are to hear of your continuing difficulties.

As regards to your request for disconnection, this is a very busy time of year for us, as many people are purchasing and installing our machines ready for the Christmas festivities.  The earliest, therefore, that we can schedule a visit by one of our engineers is 26^th December at 10:30 a.m.

I trust that this is satisfactory.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Five

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 17^th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Sir

I can hardly believe my eyes! 

You are saying that this infernal contraption of yours is working perfectly, yet here I am knee deep in leaf-litter and bird-shit!  Yes, it happened again this morning!

I will have now to call in a structural engineer to assess the damage to my property caused by the repeated extra weight on the foundations of unsolicited pear-trees.

The children, who were at first quite delighted with the novelty of all these different kinds of birds, have now developed an allergy to feathers and have been sent to their grandparents for safety.

The kitchen is a no-go area.  The place reeks of guano.  The neighbours are starting to make complaints about the demented shrieking of all these loathsome avians and my dear lady wife continues to dwell on planet Prozac.

Today being the fifth day, I was hoping that I would at least get five gold rings with which to offset the spiralling costs of this ridiculous situation but, no!  It turns out that the five gold rings are in fact common pheasants!  Yet more bloody birds!

I hereby demand that, if you cannot rectify the problem with this hellish machine, you remove it from my premises forthwith.

I am instructing my bank to withhold any further payments until this situation is resolved.

 

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 17^th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Thank you for your most recent letter.  

I am truly sorry that you are continuing to experience difficulty with your Replicon 2000.

I feel, however, that I must remind you that the customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of the Replicon 2000 runs for a minimum period of twelve months, and it is only after this period has elapsed that the option to cancel is available. 

As the unit is functioning correctly, we are under no obligation to remove or repair it and you are liable for the agreed monthly payments.  Failure to make these payments will leave Replicon Inc with no recourse but to seek recovery of the payments through the courts.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Four

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 16^th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Sir

Is this some kind of joke? 

Your engineer called today – if you can dignify the knuckle-dragging anthropoid in overalls that showed up at my door with such a title.  The oaf pronounced the wretched machine to be in perfect working order! 

He did this despite that fact that he had to climb over yet another pear tree and dodge a small army of feathered assassins to do it! 

The four colly birds which appeared today have joined forces with the other avian pests and have now occupied the kitchen, viciously attacking anyone foolish enough to enter – including the inspector from the Animal Rescue people who has now washed his hands of us! 

The contractor who has been removing the pear trees for us has just turned up in a brand new truck.

My dear lady wife has been prescribed anti-depressants by our Doctor@Home service, and is now happily living on another planet!

Would that I could join her!

Please find enclosed yet more bills.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 16^th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Our engineer has delivered his report on your Replicon 2000. 

It is, as you previously said, patched to the latest version and, apart from a certain amount of debris build-up in the output chute (which seems mainly to consist of feathers and small twigs), the machine passed all of the diagnostic tests he could devise.

We can only assume, therefore, that the problems you are experiencing are caused by operator error or malicious action. 

The customer agreement you signed when you took delivery of the Replicon 2000 specifically states that Replicon Inc. is not liable to pay for any damage arising in such circumstances.

We will not, therefore, be paying any further bills for damage.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Three

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 15^th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Sir

It’s happened again! 

This time, in addition to the pear-tree, partridge and doves, there are now three hens scratching away at the Axminster in the living room.  I couldn’t say if they were French, since they have not exactly spoken to me!

My wife, who has borne all the preceding upsets with great patience is threatening to undergo a sense-of-humour-failure.  She has retired to bed with a large bottle of brandy. 

As soon as I have finished writing this letter, I shall be joining her.

Bills to follow.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 15^th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

I am sorry to hear of your continuing difficulties. 

We did send an engineer to visit you today, but he reports that he was unable to gain entry to your premises, despite repeated ringing of the bell.  He says that you were certainly in at the time, because he could hear some rather off-key singing coming from the upper floor of your home.

He will be visiting again tomorrow to assess the situation, please ensure that he is able to gain entry.    

 

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day Two

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 14^th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

 

Dear Sir

Thank you for your prompt reply.  I did as you suggested, and the diagnostic readout on my Replicon 2000 now shows a software level of 3.08i – the latest level.

Why then, did I come downstairs this morning to discover yet another partridge and pear tree, accompanied by two members of what my KnowledgeBase has identified as the family columbidae – Turtle Doves, I presume?

So not only do I have the problem of having a large tree removed from the premises (again!) I now have to trouble my local Animal Rescue group once more to find homes for these noisome and somewhat loose-bowelled avians.

As before, I will be sending you the bills for the tree removal and also for steam-cleaning my carpets and furniture.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 14^th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

Once again, we can only offer our most sincere apologies for this extremely unusual behaviour by our product.  3.08i is indeed the correct patch-level.  Frankly, we cannot understand how this could have happened.

We will be sending an engineer out to examine your unit.  In the meantime, please accept our continued apologies and be assured that we will pay for the damage caused.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day One

To: customer_service@replicon.com

Date: 13^th December 2023

Subject:  Replicator fault

Dear Sir

I purchased a Replicon 2000 a few weeks ago and, up until now, it has given faultless service, replicating everything I’ve asked of it, perfectly.

This morning, however, I came downstairs to find that it had replicated a large fruit-bearing tree and a small member of the phasianidae family which my home KnowledgeBase has classified as perdix perdix or, more commonly, a grey partridge.  No one in the house was up before me and these items were certainly not there when I went to bed last night!

I can remove the partridge with little difficulty – the local Animal Rescue group has agreed to take it off my hands.  The pear tree however, is another matter, and the local landscaping contractor has quoted me a bill of 500 credits plus tax to cut it up and remove it.

I demand an explanation and you should be advised that I will be sending the landscaper’s bill to your company.

Yours truly

Edward Meeks

To: e_meeks@freenet.com

Date: 13^th December 2023

Subject:  Re: Replicator fault

Dear Mr Meeks

We are sorry to hear that you have been having problems with the Replicon 2000.  We have over a million of these units in service and have not received any other complaints of unsolicited replicating.  However, as a gesture of goodwill on our part, we are willing to pay the bill for the removal of the pear tree on this occasion.

You should ensure that the software for the Replicon 2000 is up-to-date.  You can do this by visiting our website at www.replicon.com/support, where you can download the latest patches.

Yours truly

Gerard Cochrane

Service Manager

NaNoWriMo - done

I did it.  Fifty-thousand-plus words in thirty days (twenty-nine actually, if we want to be picky).

At one point, I was a whopping 10,000 words behind schedule (work is truly the curse of the creative mind!) and honestly thought I’d never catch up.  Luckily, a couple of really long and fertile weekend sessions got me back on track and the words came thick and fast for the final downhill rush to the finish.

Phew!

So, what did I get from the experience, apart from a sore neck and shoulders from hunching over my laptop?

Firstly, a HUGE buzz for having met the challenge.  I'm naturally quite goal-oriented so NaNoWriMo  really chimed with me. 

Secondly, I now have what I think is a workable first draft for a story idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for years.  This means more to me than the buzz of making the wordcount.

Just as I was setting out on NaNoWriMo, I followed a link on A Beer for the Shower  - the MOST awe-inspiring blog in the bloggie-verse – fail to follow it at your peril!.  This led to an article by one Laura Miller, called Better Yet – DON’T Write That Novel.  This article says, amongst other things, that NaNoWriMo, because it encourages people just to write and ignore (for the moment) the quality, is causing far too much crap to be written – crap which gets sent to hapless editors and agents, apparently. 

To answer this: I know my NaNo is NOT the finished article.  I would be a deluded idiot to imagine otherwise, and would not dream of showing it to anybody other than my NaNoBuddy Don’t Feed the Pixies without a thorough revamp.  I daresay most NaNos are execrably bad and should be burnt immediately, but that’s NOT the point.

The point, for me at least, is that I had to discipline myself to sit down and pound out a story, come what may.  I’ve never approached writing in quite this way before (and I have been writing all my adult life).  It is such a refreshing change!

I have several half-baked novels which have withered through over-editing and general faffing about to the point I get bored with them.  What I have learned this year is that if you just keep going, it IS possible to get to the end AND you won’t actually die if there are some inconsistencies or plot holes, because these can be fixed in the re-write.

Having a definite goal to reach really pulled the story out of me and made it grow and change in ways I never would have imagined.  Characters appeared as extras, then suddenly blossomed into really interesting people.  The setting changed.  Heck, just about everything did.

Recommendations for anybody (including me) thinking of doing a NaNo in the future:

Have at least a start and a finish for the story – you can fill in the middle as you go.

Have a buddy to urge you onwards.  DFTP and I exchanged texts most days and talked about our progress and this kept the thing alive for me.

And finally: just give it a go!  What’s the worst that can happen?

Just for funsies, here's what I imagine the back-cover blurb for my NaNo might be:

The construction of FS-111-Albert-Einstein is almost complete.  When fully operational, the station will be one of the most important and potentially lucrative nodes in the FarNetwork, providing a valuable shortcut between two of the busiest sectors in the Ninety Worlds. 

For two years now, construction has progressed more or less without a hitch, but about a month ago, things started to go wrong.

At first, it was just inexplicable graffiti appearing on walls and some minor vandalism. 

Then a loading bot accidentally crushes a couple of construction workers.

Shortly after that, the suicides begin – or at least, what appear to be suicides. 

Has all the construction project’s bad luck simply come at once?  Is it some kind of malicious action by a rival corporation, eager to snatch the node licence from Amalgamated Leisure?  Or is there a deranged and ingenious killer aboard FS-111?

Gideon Taverner, a freelance security consultant, is hired to find out.