Sunday, 24 April 2011

A New Home in the Sky - Under African Skies

As I gaze out of the seventh floor window here at Throwback Towers, I can see herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the vast plains of Sainsbury's car park.

The boss comes in, he's covered in scratches and his clothes in tatters.  

"What happened to you," I ask.

"Bloody lions," he grumbles, "it's about time the council did something, the Municipal park pride are getting bolder by the day. They nearly had me today!"

"Well you will insist on cycling to work through their territory." I tell him.

"But it's green to cycle!" he protests.  Very big on green is my boss.

"From where I'm standing," I quip, " it looks more like red, black and blue!"  He is not impressed, so I put the kettle on to cheer him up.

"Anyway," he continues, "the ring road was chock-a-block: some pillock knocked over a zebra at junction six."

"Yeah, I heard it on the news.  Mind you, they have managed to get rid of those hippos that had moved into the ornamental lake at long last, so that's good."

We sip our tea thoughtfully, the silence only broken by the scream of angry baboons fighting over the bins at the back of MacDonald's.

None of this is true, of course.  There aren't any giraffes either, which is a pity as I quite like them.

Some local bright spark has, however, come up with the idea of re-opening a nearby pub (formerly the haunt of bikers and drug-pushers, when it wasn't being set on fire) as, wait for it, an African-themed pub.  

Now, we weren't sure what that would entail, but the advertising specifically said, and I quote: "Customers can have the full experience of Africa without the trouble of going there."

Peering through the window of the afore-mentioned pub the other day, my boss was not able to discern anything especially African about the place - no Zulu spears and shields on the wall, no witch-doctor masks, no fake zebra skins.  

There was a menu consisting of just two African-sounding dishes, and they apparently serve that most African of beverages: Guinness.

So it would seem that Africa is just like a run-down manky old pub next to the railway station in a dodgy part of a post-industrial English city.

It's a good job I was able to get my money back on those Kenyan Safari tickets then.

I wonder if anybody will open a space-themed pub, I've always fancied going to space, but it seems like a lot of bother.


  1. LOL that's funny! Having been to Africa I can assure you it's worth the bother. I don't remember any Guinness though - but maybe that's because I was with missionaries.

  2. A very creative and entertaining perspective. Great new scrabble header too. I often feel I've spent the work day besieged by alligators. Maybe I should invest in a Zulu spear, or two:)

  3. Bug - I'd like to visit Africa myself, bother or no. I bet they had Coca-cola there, though.

    ER - Beseiged is the right word for what happens around here sometimes - and, yes, a Zulu spear or two is definitely in order!

  4. This would be similar to that whole Cuban thing with pubs being called Guevara, Cuba or Castro's and having pictures on their walls of Che in the extremely vague hope that doing so would give the venue some air of Communist Chique then?

    Oh, and indeed, dear

  5. The new scrabble header is awesome.

    It is worthy noting: just like Africa isn't "a run-down manky old pub next to the railway station in a dodgy part of a post-industrial English city", it also isn't primarily comprised of witch-doctor masks, spears and zebras. I believe these are called stereotypes.

    But to add to what you're saying, people always want the experience of being in a certain place without the danger that comes with it. And this is what businesses aim to capitolize on.

  6. Or perhaps the stereotypes were intended for the tone of the post and I missed it. In which case, I apologize.

  7. Clandestine Samurai - thanks for the kind words about the scrabble header. Yes, I appreciate that Africa isn't all Zulu spears and zebra skins, as you rightly guessed, this was done for comedy purposes. I would expect a theme pub to go the stereotype route though, inauthentic as that would undoubtably be.

  8. ahahahahahahhh! brilliant! there should be more themed pubs in my opinion, it's got to be the way forward. Particularly love the idea of a space pub! HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE!.. you could get drunk and go bouncing in the anti gravity room.. have Spock behind the bar.. or , even better, pilot from farscape!.. *sqeel!...


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