Cutlery Drawer Morning Briefing Session

Location: Cutlery drawer

Chair: Tate O'Peeler

Apologies: C. Knife (detained in washing-up bowl), Canaugh Pener (unavoidably delayed on counter-top)

Good morning everyone, glad you could make it. I know how difficult it can be to make it back here from the sink or the drainer sometimes, what with transport being so unreliable these days. Please be assured that we have made this problem known to management and they have said they will look into it.

Anyway, this morning is all about good news. As you can see, management has refitted our drawer with a shiny new white plastic tray for us, which is much nicer and more hygienic than the old one we had to slum it in for so long.

I should point out that management has asked me to remind you knives not to punch holes in this one like you did with the last. Yes, I know it wasn't your fault - management kept slamming the drawer and throwing you to the back, I know. Nevertheless...just try your best, please.  Thanks.

The second bit of good news I have for you today is that our brother Spoon has returned from his 15-year secondment as Head of Tumble Dryer Portal Activity Facilitation.

Some of you older ones may just about remember when they chose Spoon - shiny young thing that he was back then - because he had exactly the qualities they were looking for. Though all the spoons back then were given the chance to prove themselves, only this spoon was found to be capable of performing the difficult job of levering open the door of the tumble dryer after its own handle broke, thereby saving the management the considerable expense of replacing it.

Now this work was well outside Spoon's normal remit. It was not what he has made for, but I'm happy to say that he performed his duties all that time faithfully and without complaint.

Management has now replaced the tumble dryer with a model that has a fully-functioning door-catch, and Spoon has at last been re-assigned to our department. He will, of course, undergo a short course of re-orientation – it's been a long time since he's been allowed to scoop or stir, after all, and we don't want any accidents, do we?

Now, I know some of you are worried that Spoon's time away from us may have affected him, and I know there have been rumours floating about the kitchen of him attempting suicide by repeatedly throwing himself down the back of the tumbler.

Let me make it clear, here and now, that those rumours are false. Spoon did once fall down the back of the tumbler to remain undiscovered for three weeks, but he has assured me that it was an accident brought about by a bit too much New Year's Eve drinking, nothing more.

When he starts back tomorrow, I want you all to make him feel welcome, OK?


Well, that's about it for today, folks. Thanks for coming and keep up the good work.

Oh, just one thing before you all go. Management is looking for volunteers to act as Brachial Extenders in their High Kitchen Window Closure Project. Spud Masher, you'd be suitable for that role, I reckon. Let me know if you're interested.....

Alright, that really is it for today.  See you tomorrow.