An elastic band, some paper clips, two keys, some buttons, three charity badges, a referee's whistle... these are just some of the stupid little things I came across when clearing out the room I'm going to use when I'm working from home.
OK, paper clips and elastic bands, I have a home for them where they can be returned to the bosom of their families. These two were obviously seized with a fit of wanderlust, wanting to see some of the world before settling down to a nice steady job, holding documents together. Maybe they eloped. I don't think it will work out though, they're just too different.
And what is it with keys? One is a Yale-type key that does not fit a single one of our locks. Maybe it was a spare we were keeping for my mother's house or something, but she's moved since then, so I bet it doesn't fit. I should throw it away, but what if it turns out to be for something I desperately need to open? Yeah, but it hasn't been needed these many years, has it? No, but still... And so it goes, the key-separation anxiety. The other key is small, for a desk drawer maybe, or a particularly useless bike lock. I have no idea what it's for but I can't chuck it just in case....
Buttons. Loads of clothes I have bought in the past have come with a little plastic bag with a spare button inside, which I have dutifully removed and stored safely against the Day of the Great Lost Button Catastrophe – which has never yet happened, Not once, I might add. The clothes themselves have probably been passed on by now but the buttons remain, pristine in their little baggies. What on earth to do with them?
These little charity badges are fun but ultimately useless. You pay a quid and you get a fun little badge. But just how many badges can a person wear at any one time? My other half keeps buying the Comic Relief Red Noses each year. What the planet of heck are we meant to do with them once the Comic Relief thing has ended for the year? There's a bunch of them in one of my drawers, taking up space and doing no good whatsoever.
The ref's whistle was bought for the lanyard attached to it, which I use for my monocular. What use is it to keep the whistle in a drawer? It's not like I could use it to quickly summon help in an emergency situation. By the time I manage to rummage through the star-crossed stationery, buttons, etc, the house would have burned down/I'd have been hacked to bits by the axe-murderer or whatever.
Maybe I could make an art installation of all these objects. Yes, that's an idea, I could call it something pretentious like Noetic Concordance or Asymptotic Fusion. Maybe next year's Turner prize will be mine.
Why do I hang on to keys that don't fit anything? Store buttons for clothes I don't own anymore? What on earth is wrong with me?
I wish I just had the courage to simply chuck it all away and be done with it
But I don't.